I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
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Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me