The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
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i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
o shit