Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
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I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Growing up was a huge mistake
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot