Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
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If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE