Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
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[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Dear Lord..
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
just pretend nothing happened
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials