Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
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I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.