Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
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Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]