They’re really bad with fonts.
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Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no