Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
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As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
They’re called werewolves.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.