Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
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Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
kids play hide and seek like
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory