[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
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Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again