cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
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Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”