NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
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Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.