“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
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[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Good point.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.