Meat Cute
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[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it