Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
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Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
“what’s it like having a sister?”
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane