RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
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The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”