captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
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archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Meow
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying