To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
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Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
They got Raph!
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.