I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
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Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking