[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
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People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*