I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
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Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Body by Oreos
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”