Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
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*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]