The pointless tidy up before a play date.
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me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?