Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
You Might Also Like
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
very niche meme I made
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.