Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
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chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no