Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
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this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
This is no longer winter this is harassment
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA