ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
You Might Also Like
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
concern
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.