*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
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Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.