*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
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I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated