Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
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I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
(Jupiter –
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
💁🏻♂️
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*