it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
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Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
Golf would be better with landmines.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire