[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
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Cats (2019)
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
HR said no more nunchucks.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.