God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
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Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?