Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
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Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
wtf management?!
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles