Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
You Might Also Like
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.