ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
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8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
It has been 3 years since Monday.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?