Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
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my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.