If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
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My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
decorating my apartment
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Damn he played himself
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe