noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
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Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
This sounds bad:
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t