“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
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Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it