Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
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ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.