Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
You Might Also Like
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel