Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
You Might Also Like
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”