Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
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After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Oops
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.