If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
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Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree