With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
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I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
“I FIXED IT!”
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason