What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
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2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
japanese corn
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on