I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
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Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
podcasts
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.