God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
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Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Just had my nails done!
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Everything reminds me of my ex
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished